Dating Apps & Loving Myself First

This isn’t my regular type of post; in fact, it’s not book related at all. But it’s something I needed and wanted to get off my chest and this is one of my favorite digital spheres to inhabit. I’m not going to say this is the start of a new blogging “feature” per se, but I will warn you that I’m not closing the door to making more of these on here in the future. I doubt they’ll be very frequent, but I’m not closing the door on that either. Anyway, don’t worry, I have more bookish posts coming, but I needed to publish this first.

I’ve done something rather rude today and I’m trying to not feel bad about it, because sometimes you just have to do rude things. Recently, I went on a dating app with the completely serious hope of finding a match for a long-term partner. It was a really scary moment to put myself out there because I’m a very introverted, very anxious person. Talking with strangers stresses me out and I also deal with this internalized hurdle that I’m easily forgettable. And to top it all off, I’ve never been in a serious or intimate relationship, so beginning the whole experience felt a lot like diving into deep water before catching a big enough breath. 

Maybe I should blame books for being such a romantic at heart, but for a long while now I’ve wanted a relationship. A big part of me thinks that being in one will help solve some of my biggest problems: that I feel very lonely a lot of the time, and that, like I said earlier, I feel forgettable.

The real kick to get my gears going and convince me it was time to put myself out there was when, recently, my brother introduced me to his girlfriend. A couple times I’ve accidentally walked in on them being really cute together and cuddling or just whispering to each other and smiling. In a broader family stroke, a lot of my cousins have been getting married. My friend group, too, is starting to fill with people who have significant others. I feel like (and this is not a bad thing) I’m surrounded by people in love and I want to find myself some love as well.

Now, as scary as it was, it’s kind of a boost in self-esteem to see how many people I was matching with. And some of them are really cool people. And pretty much everyone I matched with is someone I wouldn’t have met on my own, out in the wild world, so that was pretty cool, too. But, of course, it was a dating app, and there were some questionable matches to say the least. One of the questions I answered publicly was what my favorite films were, and I only had one listed, and his way of introducing himself was to tell me I was wrong for liking that film so much, and then he asked me to dinner. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Another guy kept asking me what I thought of his dating profile, but in a weird, interview-y way. And, my personal favorite “horror” story, there was the guy who tried to tell me my Hufflepuff scarf wasn’t actually a “Hogwarts/Gryffindor scarf” but then tried to compare his dick to it. I blocked him because he was clearly not cut out for me. Beyond all that, for the first day or so I actually found the app a lot of fun. 

But this rude thing I’ve done today? I deleted the app. I deleted the account. I had been talking to two guys for quite a while and we were sort of making our way towards possible relationships. I gave them no warning and I hope I didn’t hurt them because they were both really great seeming guys.

What happened? There were two factors, really. One is that a lot was expected of me. I needed to keep up conversations with these guys. Which meant being on my phone a lot. And for me, being on my phone requires a lot of energy. And after only a few days I found that the amount of energy I was putting in wasn’t really reaping any rewards for me. I was talking to two people, but I wasn’t getting a warm feeling when I saw their messages. I wasn’t getting any feeling except, “Ugh I have to respond; it’s my duty”. And it’s not my duty to respond to anyone. And, no, they weren’t pressuring me to talk, either, it was an internalized “duty” feeling, which made it worse.

The other problem? I found myself wanting to lie to please people. Not big lies, but I’d pretend I didn’t know a thing, or that I didn’t know as much of a thing, or that I was actually interested in another thing, because that’s what I thought they wanted to hear. This made me realize something I haven’t wanted to vocalize: I’m not actually as comfortable with myself as I thought I was.

I’ve had body-image issues for a while. I’m overweight and I have big boobs, partly because I’m overweight and partly because of genetics (however, I think that’s a longer story for a different time), and these factors make it hard for me to be comfortable in my own skin. I’ve been trying to deal with that and I think in a lot of a ways I’ve gone pretty far towards being comfortable with my physical body. Hell, this is the first summer I’ll wear something sleeveless. I’ve known this is a personal struggle for me, but beyond that, I thought I was pretty comfortable with my internal self. 

Like, I’m comfortable saying I’m a nerd, I’m a book geek, I collect things that have little to no value, my dog is actually my best friend, my bed is my favorite place in the world, and I like the shows and movies I like just because I do. But I wasn’t staying true to myself on the app; I was lying, I was bluffing and fibbing and making myself fit the mold for someone else, and I realized that in the long run this isn’t the kind of relationship that benefit anyone. Especially considering I wanted a relationship to help myself feel seen and I wasn’t showing who I actually was.

I thought about it: why was I doing this? And the answer came to me: I don’t actually love myself first. I don’t have a good relationship with myself and I need to build on that and make it healthier before I go out in the world of dating again. Basically, I need to learn what it means to be me and inhabit myself again.

So, yeah, that’s why I deleted the app. I was being unfair to everyone involved, including myself. I don’t know exactly when or how I’ll feel better as myself, but I’m going to be actively working on it, and hopefully the next time I write about dating apps or loving myself, I’ll be writing from a place of healing and knowledge.